Well here is the list everyone has been begging me for. Literally begging. All people everywhere want to hear the rantings of a single 35 year old fat man sipping Mountain Dew and typing about music you don't care about in his underwear. I am going to steer away from the obvious on this list. Yes we all hate Nickelback, Justin Bieber, and Miley Cyrus. Its not even interesting to hate on them anymore. Those of you who do read this list I'm sure will disagree with much of it. If that is the case you can take comfort in the fact that in 15+ years of randomly picking up guitars I can almost play the introduction to Bob Marley's "Redemption Song," with only six mess ups!
13. Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" album: This one actually hurts a little bit. I love nearly every note Lou Reed played with the Velvet Underground, the only exception coming to mind is "The Murder Mystery." Only in the 1960s would anyone think having two completely incongruent pieces of music each blasting out of different speakers simultaneously was a good idea. But Lou Reed's solo discography is very spotty. "Metal Machine Music," released in 1975 is a double album, yes double, of tuneless guitar feedback. When I say tuneless, I am not exaggerating. Imagine the emergency broadcast system tone for an hour straight and you have "Metal Machine Music." Many have speculated that this was Reed's version of a practical joke on rock critics who praised his every move. Joke or not, what is funny, is how many critics have actually praised the album. Honorable Mention: Lou Reed's 2011 "Lulu" album recorded with Metallica. Interesting pairing. Could be good. Nope.
12. Eddie Vedder: The thing about this, is that I actually like Pearl Jam. I like Eddie Vedder. What I hate is every rock band that came after Pearl Jam between 1992 and 2001. For some reason every group thought it was a good idea to ape Eddie's up until 1991, unique voice. Despite what good music Pearl Jam has created their legacy will always be marred by the fact that Creed ever existed.
11. The Beatles: Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: I'm sorry. I really am. I like the Beatles just like anyone else, but this album is the most over rated collection of psychedelic quirkery ever recorded. We can thank Sgt. Pepper for every pretentious rock musician who wants to "be taken seriously as an artist," when they record something that no one actually wants to listen to. I'm looking at you Thom Yorke. Honorable Mention: "Revolution 9" from the Beatles' white album. The white album is a brilliant but uneven record. It is far and away my favorite Beatles album but "Revolution 9" is completely unlistenable. I don't care how innovative it is in terms of studio production. I challenge anyone to listen and enjoy the entire thing. If you can do this I will send you an hour long album of me attempting to play a mistake free version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song" intro on guitar, absolutely free. I demand to be taken seriously as an artist damn it!
10. The Beastie Boys and Sublime: Maybe its because these bands were universally loved in my high school, but if I have to hear "Sabotage," "Girls," "Fight For Your Right," "What I Got," or "Date Rape," ever again I will probably take a cheese grater to my.... finish that sentence however you like.
9. Journey, Boston, Kansas, Styx, Foreigner, Chicago: These bands are the reason the phrase "seventies rock" elicits groans and eye rolls from most people born after 1989. There are fewer things that irritate me more then hearing "Come Sail Away" on classic rock radio.
8. The Eagles: "Man, c'mon, I had a rough night and I hate the fucking Eagles, man." -The Dude. Amen Dude, amen. "Hotel California" is maybe the worst hit song from rock's golden era other then Don Maclean's "Miss American Pie."
7. Indie Music recorded after 2001: The Shins, Belle and Sebastian, Death Cab For Cutie, Bon Iver, Wilco, Decemberists, Iron & Wine, Pinback, My Morning Jacket, Sufjan Stevens and the rest of the post 1999 band's cds that I bought and listened to once. I hold you all personally responsible for Mumford and Sons. (Yes, I too, was duped by Mumford and Sons, until I woke up from a phony bluegrass coma and realized that every song was quiet, slighty louder, slightly louder, slightly louder, really fucking loud (as loud as you can be on acoustic instruments, anyway) and then quiet again. Epic dude. Totally epic.) The aforementioned bands are about as pretentious as every 1970s prog band but are about as exciting as Coldplay covering Hootie and the Blowfish. To be fair, my opinion is extremely biased. I think the world's best music was recorded in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. Keep in mind, I was born in 1979.
6. Eddie Van Halen's "Eruption" guitar solo: I love guitar solos. I love them more then I love bacon cheeseburgers, sunsets, true love and oxygen. I have spent hours listening to and absorbing guitar solos from Jimi Hendrix, the Allman Brothers Band, David Gilmour, early Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Buddy Guy, Neil Young, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and countless blues and rock greats. Their solos are soulful expressions of human creativity. Unfortunately, even though Eddie Van Halen can play really, really, really, really fast, there is nothing interesting about his solos. "Eruption" is by far the worst example of the worst kind of guitar wankery that gives guitar soloing such a bad reputation.
5. Phil Collins: Commonly referred to as the antichrist of rock. One listen to "Sussido," the "Tarzan" soundtrack and even "In the Air Tonight" more then justify the label.
4. Santana's comeback: If all I had ever heard of Santana was their 1960s work, they would probably be among my favorite bands, but as good as their version of "Black Magic Woman" is, I can't help but think of them as anything other then that dinosaur band who thought recording a song with Rob Thomas would make them hip and relevant.... Although they did sell millions of albums. Touche Santana. Your guest star filled albums still suck.
3. Pretty much all of the 1980s: Okay, there are always a few exceptions: Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Replacements, Jesus and Mary Chain, Metallica. Shut up, I dig Metallica, even if Lars Ulrich is a boring douche of a drummer. Other then these groups, there isn't much else noteworthy to speak of in the 1980s. I guess I also like the Cure and the Smiths, but even I find their epic moping a little tiresome and almost comical. For the most part my complaint of the 1980s is the sound of the albums. 80s production is almost universally cheesy and horribly dated. Even on albums I like from the 80s, I think the drums sound shitty. With the exception Prince, great soul and r & b music, were almost completely absent in the 1980s with Stevie Wonder sounding like elevator music and Marvin Gaye's potentially awesome tune "Sexual Healing," being marred by crummy 80s keyboards. Also, hair bands suck. I mean they really suck. Motley Crue? Ratt? Poison? Bon Jovi? Warrant? No thank you.
2. Rap Rock: Record exec: "Hey, some kids like rock while other kids like rap. If we combine them, then all kids will like rap rock. Brilliant!" And what came of this unholy marriage? Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park and Kid Rock. Need I say more?
1. Green Day's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: How did a band who up until 2004 were most known for an album called "Dookie," get themselves acknowledged as one of history's great bands? They did the safest thing a rock band can do: They recorded a rock opera calling Americans idiots and ripping on a Republican president. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a Republican, nor am I Democrat. I just find it ironic that rock n roll rebellion is so damn one sided. Of course there is Ted Nugent. Eew. I take it all back. Be as one sided liberal as you want.
Well there it is. I personally give this list 5 burning coals. Just kidding. Hope you enjoyed it or at least became as irrationally angry as I get at the mention of the "genius" of Kanye West. He is so awful, his awfulness transcends the need to be on a list such as this.
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